This is going to be a big emotional post. So don’t read it. It’s pointless. I just want to get all this shit I’m feeling out. Word vomit. Here we go.

I’m dealing with such a clusterfuck of emotions right now. This massive shit storm that I have put on a brave face for nearly 9 months is not cutting it anymore. I made the mistake of listening to Less Than Jake. God damn it why do their lyrics have to be so fucking appropriate at every point in my life? “She’s gonna break soon” could very literally be about my life in this very moment. I can’t fucking take it anymore. I’m 17 years old. I should be stressing about who my date to prom will be, texting boys until the wee hours of the night, sneaking out, doing normal late teens shit. Instead I’m barreling through school, hardly seeing my friends, and wiping the sweat off of my sick mother’s forehead for 2 hours in the middle of night while she lay on the bathroom floor in excruciating pain. This shouldn’t be my job. This is why I am so mad right now that my dad is gone. I know if he were still alive he would have stepped up to the plate. I have such a hard time holding on to my faith in times like this. I get it, God has a path for me and I need to trust Him if I’m going to serve him the way I plan to. But what the fuck? I don’t get it and I’m not sure I ever will. I need help and I am so hesitant to ask for it because everyone in my family sees me as such a strong and capable young woman with a huge heart. And I am those things. But shit. I can’t be strong all of the time. I need my moments and I feel like I can’t take them because that will ruin this reputation that I’ve built for myself. For so long I have done nothing but been okay and played this whole ordeal down. I’m done. I’m breaking. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t be a perfect student, daughter, caregiver, servant, friend, sister, etc. I just fucking can’t. No amount of coffee and cigarettes will help me shove down this burden any longer. I told myself I was okay with giving up my senior year of high school but fuck that. I want the option to stress over what I now see as trivial things. I want the option of acting my age. I’m fucking done with not being a given a choice, sucking it up because that’s all I can do, and keeping my chin up to slow the bleeding. You know what Dad? That advice that you gave my as a kid was is shit to me now. I have “kept my chin up to slow the bleeding” for 10 god damn years and now I have a blood clot the size of Massachusetts and I’m choking on it. I want nothing more but to be happy. I feel the need to act as though I am so that no one worries about me. I feel guilty when people do because there’s so many other important things in my mind than what my happiness means to other people. I need to learn to love myself and all I can do is see how much I’m fucking up. What I need more than anything is someone who I can genuinely see through my facade and love me regardless. I know I know, God is that person. But where is He in times like this? Where is that wave of comfort I used to feel? I need to feel okay and I don’t know how to get to that point from here. I’m feeling so…spent. I’m running on empty. I stay up late doing home work, I wake up early to take care of my mom and spend the rest of my day doing a million things for people other than myself. I need a whole month I feel like. A month where I can shut everyone and everything out and deal with my internal conflicts. I need silence and solitude to have the chance to do some very needed self reconstruction. For the love of God, will forest home tell me already if I have the job or not? It’s killing me. This post is all over the place. I think I’ll stop now since I still have to finish this packet on Pygmalion. I need comfort food. Actually, I have no clue what I need.