GTFO

I can only take so much benadryl and not being able to breathe properly for so long.

Sincerely,

I miss oxygen

You swear you can feel your own fucking capillaries tightening up. 

Oh well you got ugly and I got better looking. 

Karma’s a me.

and when it doesn’t comply with hers, she tells me I’m wrong. If you don’t want to hear it then don’t ask When you ask me something regarding homosexuality and specifically say “your religious beliefs aside…” then say later on in the conversation “I just don’t know how you can call yourself a Christian when you support these things.” it makes you much less credible. YES I DO think they should educate students on the history of homosexuality the same way they educate us on racism. It’s not persuasion toward support of the gay community, it’s informing the future of America the wrongs that are made everyday. And for you to think otherwise is just plain ignorant and closed minded. I understand that you have your opinions and beliefs but please understand and respect that I have mine as well. 

I’m looking back on this past year. I seriously almost started bawling how much has changed. How much I have change. How much has changed for my family. How much has changed for my friends. How much has changed for me. 

I have really hardened myself this year. I put my guard up big time recently. I’m not sure how much it’s paid off for my but it is what it is.

Who my friends were at this point. I still talk to most of them, but apparently I’m just very easily replaced to everyone. Which is cool I’m not going to talk to most of these people in a few months anyways.

Where things went differently as planned. This is a big one. This year was supposed to be different. School was supposed to be so much more different, until my body decided to give out on me. Oh well.

None of this makes any sense it’s just mindless bullshit babble so I’ll quit while I’m ahead.

After talking to some people apparently I need to broadcast this: I’m sorry I haven’t been my regular self lately. I really don’t know what the hell is going on with me mentally and emotionally right now. Every day I wake up and I sink down into whatever this is immediately. I’m sorry I can’t be the happy go lucky loving person I am. I’m trying so hard and all I ask in return is that you just be patient with me. I don’t want to be avoided because I’m scary or a downer or whatever. I just need a support group to understand that I am dealing with stuff that’s beyond my control right now. Sometimes I don’t want to talk (mainly because I wouldn’t know what to say even if I did. This is probably a hormone or chemical imbalance, how do I really put that into words?) but sometimes I do. I can’t foresee all of my mood swings but please don’t treat me like a leper when they do happen. I love you guys and I need you more than ever right now. 

seriously.

I literally hate EVERYONE right now.

stop making shit about you

stop making excuses

get over it

MOVE ON

I’ve been doing it for 17 fucking years I think you can too sweetie.

But I actually hate your right now.

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I lose my phone over a three day weekend. Haven’t had shit to do. I blame it on the lack of phone until I realize, the past few weekends have been exactly the same. One person in the past three week has made contact with me just to hang out. [Jesse/Donya (I consider them one person)] I haven’t left my room at all expect to smoke a cigarette and check to mail. I don’t get it. Am I just not fun to be around or something? I thought I was at least somewhat liked, that’s a pretty general assumption I should be able to correctly make about my friends. Guess not. Yet people wonder why I’m not going to Bonita next year. Why on God’s green Earth would I stick around for people who forget about me? Who don’t invite me to things. Who probably don’t even have the thought of “Oh, maybe Hayley would like to tag along” cross their mind. So yeah, fuck you guys too. Stop bitching about me being in a bad mood and think about maybe why it is exactly that I’m in such a bad mood.

But I’m not going to sit around and feel sorry for myself much longer. I’m making it my mission to find new friends. Yeah I can feel bad for a little bit but one thing I’ve learned is that if I want things to change I have to make them change. There’s no magic wand I can wave around that will suddenly make everything better. I’m going to make things better for myself, stop bitching, and move on.

Your guy’s loss. Not mine. As far as I’m concerned, I’m a damn good friend. I’m trust worthy, I’m fucking hilarious, I know when to stay out of shit and when I need to get in it (recent events have illustrated this), I’m loyal to a fucking tee, I drop shit and come running when someone needs me, I love anyone who proves they deserve to be loved, and I love them with everything I have. I stick around as long as I’m wanted. But it’s clear that I’m not anymore.

I hate the fact that I live in this world where EVERYONE has something bad to say about someone. All I do lately is take three deep breaths and count to 10, so I don’t blow up on them. Yeah, I get it. It’s high school and people do fucked up shit, but do they go around advertizing that they are perfect? Absolutely not. My best friend is a die-hard christian and is working so hard to get into the modeling industry. I can’t count how many times I have heard people talk about how she’s such a hypocrite, or a bible humper, or how she’s so full of her self, or how she needs to take the stick out of her ass. If anyone knew her at all they would understand that she is so incredibly humble and loving. She works harder at what she does than anyone else I know. She’s not perfect and she has her moments, but at least she’s aware of that and has no qualms about making apologies for it. Out of all the people I know, she is the one person I can sit down with and tell her something that she is doing that is rubbing me the wrong way and work on it. And when it comes to her beliefs, yeah sure she can be intense about it. But you know what else? She doesn’t say anything about it until someone ASKS her about how she feels on something. Just people a lot of people on campus don’t agree with what she thinks or feels doesn’t mean they have the right to put her down. Sorry she has something productive that she’s passionate about. How on Earth is that a crime? This is only one example. Seldom ever do I hear someone saying good thing about a person. And on the flip side I can’t count on my finger and toes how many negative comments I hear about people on a daily basis. Maybe take that criticism and apply it to your life. Look at yourself and ask if you are happy with who you are and the choices you make before you go poking and prodding someone else’s. 

Of being productive, swimming, laughing, blowing bubbles, eating cake, and celebrating the beautiful Miss Donya’s 19th birthday (by the way Happy Birthday darling, I’m glad I got to spend it with you)

but then I come home to them just fighting about stupid political/religious/pointless bullshit. Way to put a damper on my fan-fucking-tastic day guys.

I think I’m coming to this point in my life where I actually want a relationship. Not with anyone in particular, just in general. I want someone who I can make awesome food for,  pretend wrestle with and make up stories as to what each constellation is and where it came from. I want something healthy and normal for a 17 year old, not something that revolves around sex and only sex. I don’t think that’s too much to ask for, right? After all this year has brought me can’t it be something I can cuddle with?

So for those of you don’t know my Dad passed a few years ago. I’ve dealt with most of it but there’s still moments that hurt every now and then. Ex: Father’s day. I would have gone and visited his grave yesterday but for bass ackwards reasons, he’s buried in EastJesusNowhere, Idaho. But I have a sweet little cousin who sent me this today instead: 

Happy Father’s Day Dad <3 Love you and Miss you a bushel and a peck